UPDATED: FRI 24 AUGIt's good to know when to shop as there are times when it's boutique and time's when it's a fire sale of headless mannequins. Here's our gay London guide to Grindr...
Mid evening: The Provincials are still around and often update profile from "Successful professional into karate and helping orphans" to "Pissed and will do anything/ treat me like a cum bucket bitch... but do have a train to catch". Shag chance: High.
Late evening: men in tight vests start appearing. They're not up for meeting now, their battle cry is "Off to club tonight!!!". Worth favouriting as they will re emerge and be up for it but be warned: at this time it's like a busy sex club so lots of walking around hedging your bets which means Shag count: Lower than you'd expect.
After2am: The Grindratti emerges . Profiles have ditched the fag hag for sunglasses... in a nightclub. Approach with hope but be ready for instant dismissal. It's dog Dog eat dog and they don't talk to dogs. Yet.
6am: The Headless Zombies come at you from all angles. These headless torsos want your brain... which being men is in your trousers. The fag hag on their profile is called Tina. She's not fat, far from it. Rather to the point: pleasantries like "Hello" ditched for "Are you hung? Want bb raw fuck now now, have chems for PNP" and oh, they'd prefer more than one of you as they'll be needing double fucked.
Translation
Are you hung? - my arse looks like the Hadron Collider. A hard on collider if you like.
Want bb - not a campaign to get Bradford & Bingley back on on the High Street.
fuck - they're bottoms but not through choice as the dick died after the third night without sleep.
now - they're in drug dealer time, expect things a confused picture, fluid timeline.
have chems - hide your credit cards, they're generous but maxed to the limit. Watch the notes on the table vanish when you throw them out before they get Gay Squatter (...) Rights.
PNP - "Play n partying" means I'll be trashing your flat whilst never putting my Grindr device down and inviting loads of randoms. Think of your home as a day care centre... What?! Well, don't forget that Chariots does have to close sometimes for the Bring Out Your Dead to Gowing Street Procession (if there's still room after Area shuts).
- and oh lest we forget, they'd prefer more than one of you as they'll be needing double fucked. This helps align the capacious wound they call an arse and the gaping hole they call a brain to an aligned level known as Arse Hole. Many only reach this level thanks to drugs and actually have fully functioning lives.
10am thru afternoon - Awkward cross over time between The Provincials and The Headless Zombies. The Zombies aren't the kind of people you can sneak passed security at work for a shag in the disabled toilet. Trust us.
Shag chance: Moderate to High, Very High/ A Given if you've drugs, you can accommodate and they've not checked into their daytime retreat: St Thomas'.
Top tip - if you're on a budget pretend you're into piss to The Zombies- you'll get quite a high if you can swallow. Warning tho- on a bank holiday just licking a Zombie can get you disqualified from the Olympics... and into the Paralytics (See GMFA Sports Day).
Legal disclaimer: Note that this doesn't apply to Scruff as it's mainly for The Fat and/ or then non drug taking bit of the scene. It's quiet.
Hypocrisy alert: nuff said.
Thats 24 hrs in the life of Grindr. We hope this guide helps the Uninitiated or as we call them, Blackberry users.
